My name is Mark and I am an addict.

Throughout my childhood I was very angry and unhappy within myself, which today I put this down to being irritable, restless and discontent. Certain things happened in my childhood, such as my parents divorcing when I was age 8, amongst other stuff, which affected me emotionally. However I do not blame anyone anymore for the way my life turned out or for my addiction problems.

Today I have an understanding around what was and is my problem. I am an addict and suffer from the disease of addiction. I have stopped asking why me and accepted this.

I started drinking alcohol at age 13 and inhaling butane gas and aerosols to escape myself and negative thinking and feelings. Over time this progressed onto various other substances. By age 16, having left school with no qualifications, I was drinking and using drugs every every day and only associating with people into the same thing. I got involved in a lot of criminal behaviour, violence due to alcohol, and a lot of criminal damage and dishonesty. I was full of rage. This moved onto more serious crime to feed my addiction to the extent that over time I was committing crime everyday: shoplifting, burglaries and fraud amongst other stuff. Totally selfish and caught up in denial around how out of control my addiction was and the effect it was having on my family and society.

I ended up in Feltham young offenders age 18 and then moved onto various spells in adult prisons being released and repeating the same behaviour over and over despite saying I would try to keep my using to a sensible level and stop my offending behaviour. Today looking back I can see my powerlessness; I had starting injecting heroin and crack, something I said I would never do, and judged the ones who did. Things were getting worse and worse: my daughter going into care and the relationship with my ex partner in chaos down to addiction to drugs. Caught up in a life of crime, drugs and unhappiness - a vicious circle from which there seemed no way out.

I was alone and fed up with the way my life was going, wanting to end it but not having the courage to do so. The turning point came for me with the RAPt. Sentenced to five years for burglary and g.b.h, and hoping for an early release through completing the RAPt programme, these were my motives to start.

However something clicked for me - I came to believe there was a way out of this chaos. I started on the RAPt programme and attending meetings at Coldingley prison. I was practicing honesty, open mindedness and willingness and working through the 12 steps, which was all new to me and a lot to take on board: sharing and identifying with other addicts, hearing shares at meetings, how people had recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind through working the 12 steps and following some suggestions a day at a time.

I knew I was powerless so my step one was already there and step two I realised there was a solution: I had some hope that a life without drugs was possible. Doing step four and five with my councillor showed me the root of my problem: resentments, fears and defects of character which had fuelled my using, and behaviours which I have to work on daily through working the steps.

Whilst on the RAPt programme I completed an interferon drug course to clear hep c which was hard but did with the support of the RAPt staff, my peers and meetings. Today I have no health problems. I completed the programme and stayed on the unit as a peer supporter for 9 months, eventually getting my parole to Bournemouth and completing secondary treatment.

I am now coming up to five years clean and sober and have my own flat. I have completed various college courses gaining qualifications. I was doing voluntary work in a treatment centre for a year and a half and am currently looking for work. I attend regular meetings and work the steps to the best of my ability, also having a god of my understanding in my life today.

Life has its ups and downs but I come through them without using today through working the steps. My life is so much better today and it all started thanks to RAPt and staff on the unit. Without it I am sure I would not be who I am today.

Many Thanks

Mark H.